As the new school year begins and life becomes busier than ever, it’s easy to overlook the emotional well-being of those around us. When we notice that someone seems down, we often focus on cheering them up — yet this approach can sometimes lead to a phenomenon called toxic positivity. Instead, we should aim to check in with our friends, family and colleagues more often to truly understand how they are feeling. Even people with well-developed resilience skills have breaking points and can struggle.
The Difference between Checking In and Cheering Up
Checking In involves taking the time to ask someone how they are truly feeling and listening to their response. It shows that you care about their well-being and are there to support them.
Cheering Up often involves trying to lift someone’s spirits without addressing the root cause of their distress. While well-intentioned, it can sometimes come off as dismissive or superficial.
Understanding Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset. While positivity is generally a good thing, forcing it upon someone who is struggling can invalidate their emotions and make them feel worse. It creates an environment where negative feelings are suppressed rather than addressed and can lead to long-term emotional distress.
Why Checking In Matters
Checking in with others maintains open lines of communication and fosters deeper connections. By prioritizing check-ins, we can create a supportive, empathetic atmosphere where people feel safe to share their struggles, leading to healthier relationships and helping strengthen emotional resilience.
As mentioned above, even the most resilient people in our lives can struggle just like anyone else. Periodic check-ins can provide the support they need to cope with their emotions. A check-in is best done in person or over the phone to truly gauge how your friend/family member/colleague is doing. A simple text message can be used to initiate contact, but deeper conversations either face-to-face such as during a coffee break or short walk – or via the phone – allow for more meaningful connection.
Promoting Psychological Safety
When checking in with others who may be going through a difficult time, keep in mind the following self-regulation concepts (as shared in the Self-Regulation Skillset book) to help them create a sense of safe and calm:
- Predictability – Predictability is very powerful for creating safety. Human beings feel safer when they think they know what’s coming next. Encourage your friend or family member to create predictability with routines and activities that are patterned, rhythmic and repetitive.
- Movement – Encourage physical activity such as walking, which is a patterned, rhythmic movement. While exercise is good for many reasons, going for a walk can send a strong signal to one’s body that things have become more predictable so it can stop sounding the alarm. Other similar activities include stretching, swimming, biking and exercise routines – basically anything that involves repetitive motion.
- Reducing Threat – One cannot feel threatened and safe at the same time. Listening to music, taking a walk, and practicing breathing and relaxation exercises or a few ways to minimize perceived threats.
- Distraction – Sometimes, a healthy distraction can provide relief from overwhelming emotions. Distraction could be playing a simple game that does not take much mental effort or watching a funny video clip.
- Support – Simply being available and offering your presence can make a significant difference. Spending time with those we trust to be safe, supportive and non-threatening can be a very strong force for keeping one’s threat response at bay.
Healthy Ways to Process Emotions
Encouraging healthy emotional processing is essential for long-term well-being. Here are some strategies to consider using while checking in with a friend or family member who may be struggling:
- Validation – Acknowledge the person’s feelings without judgment. Phrases like “I understand why you’re upset” can be very powerful.
- Open Communication – Encourage open and honest communication about feelings and experiences.
- Professional Help – Suggest seeking help from mental health professionals if needed.
Things to Say to Validate Emotions
Validating a person’s emotions is a crucial aspect of fostering a supportive environment, as it acknowledges their feelings and makes him or her feel heard. When someone is going through challenge and experiencing a range of emotions, you can support them with statements such as:
- “I hear you. Your feelings are completely valid.”
- “It’s okay to feel sad/angry/frustrated. I’m here for you.”
- “I’m sorry you’re going through this. How can I support you?”
- “Take the time you need to process your emotions. There’s no rush.”
Checking in with a friend, colleague or family member is more valuable than simply trying to cheer them up. By fostering an environment of psychological safety and encouraging healthy emotional processing, we can provide genuine support to those around us. It’s not about fixing someone’s problems. It’s about being there for them and validating their feelings. Let’s make a conscious effort to check in with those we care about to ensure they feel seen, heard and supported.
If you check in with someone and discover they are struggling with their mental health, a great resource to guide them to get help is Columbia Lighthouse: https://cssrs.columbia.edu/. If someone is in crisis, dial 988 for immediate help.
